Not quite ready

Okay. I’ll admit it. I’m not ready for this baby.

Whoa, whoa. Before your “fear of commitment” sirens start flashing and you start pointing your golden finger of justice in my direction, know that I am, indeed, excited for this baby.

I am thrilled, actually. I know I’ve been quiet on the subject, but I’m simply ecstatic. Nervous, yes – nervous to finally meet him, to welcome a boy into the world, to know that everything wonderful that Sierra has brought to our lives is about to be hectically heaped upon us once again, despite being in the midst of another parenting chapter at the same time.

I’m proud, too. Proud to have this opportunity, to marvel at how Sierra has grown and learned and become such a great little person, and proud to have the chance in helping Baby Boy Vilhauer do the same. The honor of doing so, even.

But I’m not ready.

Not when it comes to preparedness. Not when it comes to having all of our ducks in a row.

Not when it comes to timing.

No, considering the change in scenarios, and compared with Sierra’s relatively muted arrival, Baby Boy is entering life with a jarring bang, chaos surrounding him. Where last time we were preparing day by day for the arrival of a not-yet-determined child, this time we’re lucky to have noticed the process at all. We’ve found ourselves waist-deep in full-term concerns.

We haven’t unpacked. We only just cleared out a room. We’re still adapting to a new home, to the whirlwind of summer invitations, to the advancements of close friends.

Sierra is only slightly aware of what’s to come, and at times I fear we’re in the same boat.

From a period of contentment to an unassailable feeling of anxiety.

I suppose we’re doing this the way you’re supposed to. Full on, with all surprises intact. An adventure in adding life – one we’ll always remember.

Still, without a doubt, we’re not ready for this baby.

Of course, by saying that, I realize that, when it comes down to it, we’ve been ready since the beginning.

This was lovingly handwritten on June 1st, 2009