The most hideous creatures

You never forget the first time you see an earwig.

Slimy without actually being wet, like the traditional stereotype of a used-car salesman; creepy in a way that most modern horror films wish they could emulate; as invasive as spilled mercury through the slats of hardwood flooring.

If you haven’t seen them before, consider yourself free. Free from the knowledge that such hideous squirming insects can even exist. Free from the horror of uncovering one in a peach; or between two rocks; or frantically writhing toward water, searching for salvation from the heat and dryness that seem to be their only downfall.

1984’s Winston Smith surely never knew about earwigs. There’s no way his final cage would have been filled with rats, otherwise.

They aren’t harmful (aside from creating earsplitting screams within your psyche). But they’re despicable little creatures, able to flatten to unimaginable depths, able to crawl THROUGH THE RIDGES OF A TUPPERWARE LID – indeed, they enter where even the last gasps of an airtight burp are driven out.

I first experienced them while spending time with my grandparents in Wyoming – they were brought in by hiding in foreign wood, deposited unceremoniously in our backyard, where they would squeeze through the threads of my grandmother’s hummingbird feeder and drown in a soupy mess of sucrose.

They are awful. And they’re in my backyard.

If you’re still curious, click here. I won’t sully this site with their repulsiveness.

This was lovingly handwritten on August 17th, 2009